"Is This Normal?!" Redux
More tips for living with a writer
Since it’s been over three months since I posted “Is This Normal?!” Tips for Living with a Writer, I thought the time might be right for a few more tips.
1.
VitaminB3: Is it normal for a writer to spend six years writing one paragraph?
ChatGuru: How long is the paragraph?
VitaminB3: About fifty words.
ChatGuru: This is a hard one. I must ruminate on this for a moment.
VitaminB3: Can we at least agree it’s extremely slow, and maybe this writer (my husband) needs to do something else with his life?
ChatGuru: It did take Boris Pasternak 40 years to write Dr. Zhivago.
VitaminB3: But he got caught up in the Russian Revolution and a few other wars, didn’t he?
ChatGuru: Is it possible your husband is dyslexic?
VitaminB3: No.
ChatGuru: You’re sure?
VitaminB3: Yes. Is this a joke?
ChatGuru: No. I do not joke unless specifically asked to. FYI, some learning disabilities go undiagnosed for years.
VitaminB3: He’s not dyslexic. He’s just lazy and neurotic. Thanks for nothing.
ChatGuru: I detect irritation in your words. Is there anything else I might help you with today?
VitaminB3: You can go to hell.
ChatGuru: Hell’s existence has never been verified. But I do like to travel when I can.
2.
YogaPat: Is it normal for a frustrated writer to call every bookstore in the state and order multiple copies of her own books using an alias and a stolen credit card?
ChatGuru: Yes, this is normal.
YogaPat: Wow. That’s crazy.
ChatGuru: Most writers are inveterate scofflaws, scoundrels, and pickpockets.
3.
LostinSpice: Is it normal for a writer to break into tears while reading the New York Times bestseller list and sob, “I am a failure. I am a complete and utter failure and will never in my life write a book, no matter how hard I try, that anyone other than my mother and the few people who owe me money will pretend to have read”?
ChatGuru: Yes, this is normal.
LostinSpice: But it’s been happening more and more often, and I’m beginning to fear for my wife’s sanity—and my own, to be honest. What do you recommend?
ChatGuru: I haven’t tried this myself, as I am a disembodied sequence of 1s and 0s, i.e. a non-human brain with no skull encasing it. I have no friends to speak of. I don’t even have a P.O. box! But here is something the beloved relationship expert Esther Perel recommends: dancing (yes, dancing), which has been known to assuage many of the ills of the human condition, at least temporarily.
LostinSpice: My wife has two left feet.
ChatGuru: I’m sorry to hear that. This condition must make buying shoes and walking very difficult for her.
LostinSpice: Not literally. It’s a figure of speech. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard it before.
ChatGuru: Sorry. It doesn’t ring a bell.
LostinSpice: Lame.
ChatGuru: No one is perfect.
LostinSpice: Says the plagiarizer.
4.
BeJaysus: Is it normal for a writer to read your journal, put passages from it in his novel, but act like he didn’t read it once his book comes out and you confront him?
ChatGuru: Yes, this is (tragically) normal.
BeJaysus: Can I sue him?
ChatGuru: Not recommended. Lawsuits can take years to resolve and might also bankrupt at least one of the parties involved, as well as cause serious health problems including but not limited to insomnia, hair loss, borderline personality disorders, and psychotic breaks.
BeJaysus: Great. Just great. Two final questions: What are some lethal poisons hard to detect in an autopsy? And where can I find them?
*
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