"Is This Normal?!" Tips for Living with a Writer

"Is it normal for a writer to drive more than 100 miles out of her way to visit a bookstore just to see if it carries her books?"

There’s much discussion today about the AI platform ChatGPT and how it’s affecting the publishing industry, education, the internet, and other aspects of our lives. Like driverless cars, the advent of ChatGPT was greeted with enthusiasm by many, but my first thought was, Yikes.

I do wonder what it would be like to have an answer for everything, however. Or at least to behave as if you do.

In this post, I channeled the ChatGPT genie in order to offer advice to those among us who are brave (or luckless) enough to live with a writer.  

1.

CJinIL: Is it normal for a writer to tell the same story over and over? I thought writers were supposed to be good at coming up with new stories. Isn’t that their job?

ChatGPT: It depends on the type of story. Please elaborate.

CJinIL: This story is about the time my husband’s college roommate (supposedly) stole his spy novel idea and wrote a bestseller. This happened more than 30 years ago, but he still brings it up at least three or four times a week.

ChatGPT: Yes, this is normal.

CJinIL: Why do you think he can’t let go of this?   

ChatGPT: The human brain is a very complicated instrument. It was invented by a madman who only meant it to be an experiment, but somehow it escaped the tower and took over the world.

CJinIL: Okay...so…how can I get my husband to stop telling this story and finally move on?

ChatGPT: There’s very little hope of that ever happening.

2.

GeoDezic: Is it normal for a writer to come home from another writer’s reading in a black mood that lasts for several weeks because no one she talked to at the reading had heard of her or her books?   

ChatGPT: Yes, this is normal.

GeoDezic: But it’s been happening a lot in the last few years, and I’m kind of over it. Should I get a divorce?  

ChatGPT: How much money do you make?

GeoDezic: About $43K per year.

ChatGPT: I do not advise divorcing. Adopt a therapy dog. Or a cat—they’re cheaper.

GeoDezic: I’m allergic.

ChatGPT: A therapy fish then.

3.

TrixE: Is it normal for a writer to drive more than a hundred miles out of her way on a road trip to visit a bookstore just to see if it carries her books?  

ChatGPT: Yes, this is normal.

TrixE: What do you recommend if the bookstore doesn’t carry even one of my sister’s seven books and she falls into a depression for the rest of the vacation? (This happened last year when we drove from Milwaukee, WI to Las Vegas. This year we’re driving to Key West and I’m afraid it’ll happen again.)

ChatGPT: You can either plant one of her books on the shelf when she isn’t looking, or, although I’m not a medical doctor and can’t prescribe controlled substances such as Wellbutrin or Xanax, I can suggest trying the beloved chocolate sandwich cookie with the cream center. They’re safe in modest doses.

TrixE: You mean Oreos?

ChatGPT: Yes. Furthermore, Oreos are highly portable and generally take months to spoil if stored in an air-tight container. They’re also vegan. (Nutter Butters are likewise a good option, despite the execrable name.)

4.

MelK: Is it normal if a writer (my brother, who has ten novels to his name—each with poor sales but respectful reviews), to mean it when he says he is genuinely happy for his childhood friend whose debut novel—its plot apparently having come to him in a dream last year—becomes a New York Times bestseller overnight and has just been named a Today Show pick and is also on President Obama’s summer reading list (and has sold to publishers in fifty-three countries and will be made into a limited series on Netflix)!??

ChatGPT: No, this is not normal.

5.

DragonFyr: Is it normal for a writer to spend at least two hours a day comparing their Amazon sales rank to very famous books’ sales ranks, e.g. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (current rank 3,584), War and Peace (38,388), 1984 (128!!), Green Eggs and Ham (389!), Portnoy’s Complaint (45,017), The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (1,789), and The Joy of Sex (45,026)?

ChatGPT: Yes, this is normal.  

DragonFyr: What do you advise to break this habit?

DragonFyr: There is no known remedy.