Men Are from Mars, Women Are Totally #%!@ing Over It: Future Lead Titles

In search of authors

Earlier today I was working on an essay about the pink curtain, i.e. the phenomenon of women obstructing other women’s professional progress (not Japanese erotic cinema, which this term also applies to).

That essay needs more time, and instead, for Bookish post #96, I’m sharing a take on corporate publishing, written in the form of meeting minutes.

Ever wish you could work in book marketing? (Probably not, and the story below will likely cement that conviction.) This publisher’s quarterly marketing meeting features staff casting about for books they hope will become bestsellers.

They have the titles, but now they need someone to write them.

A late November 2023 post includes some other potential lead titles in search of authors—they can be found here if you scroll to the bottom.

May your weekend be full of greenlights and good books. 📚

The one on the left is the greenlight I meant, but up to you.

Pitches for Future Lead Titles (in Search of Authors)

10:15-10:57: Lonnie Miter, Director of Sales & Marketing, and her S & M staff—Madison Wilson Wills, JP Duvet, Bradley Bryant, Dottie Stoner, Jill Invisibilia [her real name (??)]—discuss the results of their spring break brainstorming retreat, March 17 - 24, held in Myrtle Beach at JP Duvet’s half-brother’s ex-girlfriend’s vacation time-share.

Potential Lead Titles:  

Chicken Soup for the Soulless

Men Are from Mars, Women Are Totally #%!@ing Over It

Stuart Whittles

Peat, Spray, Love: Gardening in a Time of Environmental Collapse

Harold and the Purple Japanese Yam

The Wizard of Schnoz: My Life as a Plastic Surgeon to the Stars

A Free Throw in Brooklyn

To Bill a Mockingbird: The Birdwatcher’s Guide to Tax Shelters, Loopholes, & Maximum Deductions

Mrs. Ultimate Frisby and the Rats of Gym

Where the Sidewalk Ends in Acrimony: Your Guide to Navigating Polyamorous Break-ups

The Seven Hand Signals of Highly Effective Referees

Charlotte’s Wifi

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ACTION ITEM: Electronic poll—meeting attendees rank their top five potential lead titles – administered by Lonnie (10:51-10:55)

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Results:

1. Stuart Whittles

2. Men Are from Mars, Women Are Totally #%!@ing Over It

3. Peat, Spray, Love: Gardening in a Time of Environmental Collapse 

4. Mrs. Ultimate Frisby and the Rats of Gym

5. Charlotte’s Wifi

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ACTION ITEM: Check to see if tongue is pressed to roof of mouth. Relax/lower it, if so. (Lonnie is heard muttering, “What the [redacted]?”) – led by Bunny Muldoon, Health and Wellness Officer (10:56-10:57)

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OPEN FLOOR

Impromptu Brainstorming – Alternate Future Lead Titles (in Search of Authors)

11:06-11:25: Dottie Stoner pitches a health and wellness book, 30 Is the New 12.

Lonnie: “I think it has legs.”

Jill Invisibilia pitches a barbecue cookbook, Ryan Gosling Is Smokin’ Hot.

Madison Wilson Wills says that Ryan Gosling and his wife Eva Mendes, although public figures, are intensely private people and would not appreciate this title, tongue-in-cheek or not. He shares a link in the chat to Gosling’s Wikipedia page, of which Madison is a custodian and frequent contributor to.

Lonnie replies, “Cookbooks are big sellers. Get with the [redacted] program, Madison.”

Madison turns off his camera. Lonnie orders him to turn it back on. Madison types in the chat that his wifi download speed just dropped 80% and he’ll lose the Zoom stream entirely if he doesn’t turn off his camera.

Lonnie types “You’re fired” in the chat.

Madison does not turn his camera back on.

Lonnie says, “Madison, are you there?”

Still no response from Madison.

Lonnie says, “You’re not really fired. Unless you don’t turn your camera back on.”

Madison types in the chat, “With all due respect, Lonnie, stop acting like an [redacted].” He turns his camera back on, but his screen is frozen.

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ACTION ITEM: Hamstring stretch – led by Bunny (11:26-11:28) 

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11:29-11:30: Lonnie appears to have left the meeting during the hamstring stretch. Barrie Tripp [Lonnie’s assistant] says goodbye on her behalf and ends the meeting.

Postscript: Steve Almond’s new book, Truth Is the Arrow, Mercy Is the Bow: A DIY Manual for the Construction of Stories, was published this past Tuesday. It’s excellent, and you can pick up a copy from your favorite indie bookseller and other venues where books are sold.

A preview of the most recent list of agents accepting queries can be found here.